2013 Mock NFL/Bravolebrity Draft.

I enjoy the NFL Draft - I've got Kiper's blue book, the Ourlad's guide, and the Top 100 Big Boards for Rang and Mayock.  You want to know why Bjoern Werner projects as a left defensive end in a 4-3, I got you.

I enjoy Bravo.  I know the easy stuff, like to whom "close your legs to married men" was said, but can also play some deep cuts.  Who was the best cast member from NYC Prep?  What didn't ever get sold at End of the Century on Gallery Girls?  I got you.  My Bravocabulary game is tight.  That sounds like a good game, actually.  Call Parker Brothers.

So let's put those things together.  Mock Draft!

1. Kansas City – This isn't a draft with an Andrew Luck who you’d deal your whole board to pick; this isn't a draft with an Orlando Pace or a Jonathan Ogden, a can’t miss franchise saving left tackle – so the Chiefs pick the one ca't miss superstar, Nene Leakes, bringing swagger and catchphrases with her to middle America. With two network roles and about to add a second Bravo show – Nene’s going to be a Trump Check cashing, sack dancing, scenery chewing machine. Plus, her oldest son was once arrested for bringing pot into a police station. Bloop! Plonk!

2 Jacksonville – A colorless town (with an unsettling burnt armpit odor) picks a colorless player (who is also weirdly odorless, the carbon monoxide of offensive linemen, he recently contributed to the deaths of half the cast of MTV’s Washington Heights) Luke Joeckel T Texas A&M

3 Oakland – It was Al Davis’s last wish, someone to return that renegade, swashbuckling, outside the law glory to Oakland. That person – the table flipper and recipe thief - Teresa Giudice. She brings along her husband Joe, who posed as his brother for a fake driver’s license, as they take their outlaw act to the East Bay. The Autumn Wind is a Raider. Pillaging just for fun.

4 Philadelphia – Chip Kelly comes from Oregon and he’s bringing one of his own, no, not Toni and Candace, co-owners of Women and Women First, that’s on IFC, but instead his pass rusher, Dion Jordan OLB Oregon.

5 Detroit – 50 years ago Detroit had the highest per capita income in the country; in 2009 the Silverdome sold for half a million bucks. This is a town in need of a hero. That hero – Shahs of Sunset star Reza Farahan, who referred to his best friend of two decades MJ as having been “double stuffed by some Jewish cousins.” Perhaps it is an overture to Michigan’s healthy Middle Eastern population, and the pick becomes controversial when Reza refers to Lions QB Matt Stafford as a “yummy white ho”

6 Cleveland – the Browns get their best cornerback pairing since Frank Minniefield/Hanford Dixon by giving Joe Haden a partner – Dee Milliner CB Alabama.

7 Arizona – I spent two weeks there last summer and there is nothing hotter than Phoenix. Except Padma Lakshmi, who the Cardinals absolutely steal with the 7th pick.

8 Buffalo – The Bills head into the season with Kevin Kolb as their starting quarterback; they end it with Geno Smith QB West Virginia.

9 New York Jets – Desperate for a pass rush, the Jets get the best edge man in the draft, Barkevious Mingo OLB LSU.

10 Tennessee – Music City USA has its pick of the full Bravo canon, from “Tardy for the Party” to “Money Can’t Buy You Class” (or my favorite, Miss Lawrence’s “Closet Freak”) – the pick is the singer of “On Display”, Melissa Gorga, whose husband Joe’s comfort with women’s wear could probably get her booked at Tribe.

11 San Diego – before Philip Rivers gets killed the Chargers get the best tackle on the board, Eric Fisher T Central Michigan

12 Miami – the median age of the town still drops .25 years with the somewhat unexpected selection of Inside the Actor’s Studio host James Lipton. And now, from the questionnaire  developed by the legendary Bernard Pivot, Jim - What is your favorite word…suplex. My favorite word is suplex.

13 New York Jets – You don’t deal Darrelle Revis  unless it’s for a tattoo worthy of Rex Ryan's other arm.  In the spirit of Mike Mamula, the Jets pick a combine hero; one of the all time Height/Weight/Speed guys who has all the measurables:  Atlanta based male stripper Ridiculous.  Dude's gonna need a bigger cap.  

14 Carolina –the value on the board is in the interior of the defensive line, the Panthers leap at Sharrif Floyd, to whom Chris Berman has presumably already given the obvious musical nickname.

15 New Orleans – the Saints year in football jail comes to an end, they want to spend this pick on someone who is above the fray, beyond reproach – and that’s Lisa Vanderpump. Jiggy becomes the toast of the French Quarter but is viewed as bougie by residents of  Treme.

16 St. Louis – the Rams have been faceless since the end of the Greatest Show on Turf when Kurt Warner resumed his previous life bagging groceries and Mike Martz passed away mumbling “the horror, the horror”. Andy Cohen returns to his hometown to become that face, serving  both an on field and front office roles. Wednesday becomes Shotski night in the Ram locker room.

17 Pittsburgh – the top defensive end is still on the board and the Steelers need to replenish that edge rush. Ezekial Ansah DE BYU.

18 Dallas – other than the American Family Association, there aren't too many organizations I dislike more than the Cowboys; my least favorite Bravolebrity is Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger. Here’s hoping they can’t turn the card in fast enough.  I enjoy it when people I dislike align in some fashion; if Nancy Grace married my freshman year forensics coach, I'd put the wedding announcement on my fridge.

19 New York Giants – there remain 3 premium offensive linemen on the board, give New York the best tackle left Lane Johnson T Oklahoma.

20 Chicago – the Bears are dying for a guard; there are two elite interior linemen in the draft and both remain in this spot – Chance Warmack G Alabama.

21 Cincinnati – what are the two things we know about the Bengals? 1. They could use an influx of cash 2. They aren't afraid to draft players whose characters come into question. The pick is Adrienne Maloof; she brings some casino money and a sleazy veneer. Chef Bernie and Rod Stewart’s son come along for a dysfunctional entourage.

22 St. Louis (from Washington) – the best receiver in the country is still available here, Travon Austin WR West Virginia.

23 Minnesota – the Vikings have lost 4 Super Bowls; Tom Colicchio has won 5 James Beard Awards; you need to start changing the culture in Minneapolis. He’s the pick.

24 Indianapolis – there is some reason to believe that Colts owner Jim Irsay is batshit crazy, or at least, 

enjoys a little drinky drink every now and again. That’s a good description of Sonia Morgan, who brings her interns and toaster ovens to the Midwest.

25 Minnesota (from Seattle) – They thing they’re drafting Mike Singletary; personally, I think the Vikes are about to get Catfished, but they’re taking Manti Te’o ILB Notre Dame

26 Green Bay – Kenny Vaccaro S Texas is still on the board for the safety hungry Pack.

27 Houston – The Texans are close, filled with really talented players on both sides of the ball, but Matt Schaub, even though he’s not a bad QB, just isn't field general enough to lead this team to the Super Bowl. You know who is? Jeff Lewis – he’ll feed Andre Johnson and fill the writers’ notebooks. If he and Jenni Pulos can stay out of protracted litigation, this is the pick that puts the Texans over the top.

28 Denver – Elvis (Dumervill) has left the building, the Broncos get the best lineman on the board, Star Lotulelei DT Utah.

29 New England – Bill Belichik does what he wants. And what he wants is to hand out with Vicki Gunvalson’s Maybe Boyfriend Brooks. “I don’t care what Tamra says, Brooks is the Bomb Dot Com.”

30 Atlanta – The first Husband/Wife combo on the same NFL team since the secret Ken Anderson/Pete Johnson elopement in 1981 – the Falcons draft defensive lineman Kroy Beerman’s wife (why? Why did he do this?) Kim Zolciak.

31 San Francisco – Sure, as someone who watches every Niners game I could give us Brandi Glanville, just for the Oscar dress alone – but our need for a safety wins out with the pick of Jonathan Cyprien S FIU.

32 Baltimore – the Ravens look for doubles in the first round, someone safe with a good track record and a high motor. Plus, we’re reminded by GM Ozzie Newsome “Girl wrote No Scrubs!”. Kandi Burress.

Bravocabulary

This is the kind of thing that's going to get me to start tweeting.

I watch a lot of Bravo; I'd say that probably, at this point in my life, I watch as much Bravo as ESPN but that would be untrue as I absolutely watch as much Bravo as ESPN.

Bravo's got it's own vocabulary, filled with terms both used by and which can properly be applied to the characters who make up the programming.  If I raise my finger and say "Bloop" those conversant in the lingua franca know that I'm putting an exclamation on whatever point I'm making. "I got a Trump Check. Bloop" After the Super Bowl, Beyonce said she felt "Gone With the Wind Fabulous" - meaning she's bulletproof, beyond any critique.  "You say I watch too much Bravo?  I'm Gone With the Wind Fabulous."

This week, between myself and my lovely bride came the creation of two words.

1. Buddyguard.  That refers to the tendency Real Housewives have to bring a friend to events in order to deflect criticism and serve to voice thoughts they'd prefer come out of someone else's mouth.  Faye Resnick is Kyle Richards's buddyguard.

And that led to the seemingly obvious need for:

2. Bravocabulary - a way to compile said terminology.

If I tweet, I'm going to adopt the Jay Bilas strategy of following no one.  I can maybe get behind that.

Why Is No One Covering This?

No, not that poll. We're not bright. At this point, if you don't recognize that's dog bites man, you're not paying attention. The rest of the industrialized world has health care for all its citizens - we think that means death panels. We have the 37th best health care system in the world and we'll shout you down if you want to fix it. We're completely held hostage by insurance companies and forced to take whatever crap is shoved down our throats at work because it's the only connection we have to those insurance companies. But a system that would fix both of those conditions would by tyrannical. U-S-A. U-S-A. U-S-A.

No, not this. That's a senior Obama official telling the Washington Post that the "left of the left" is killing health care because of their ridiculous desire for a public option. As the official spokesman for the left of the left, let me say we actually want single payer.

That's a helluva spin. It's not the corporate interests who have spent; well spent this:

Arlen Specter (R-D- PA- $4,026,933)

Max Baucus (D- MT- $2,833,731)

Mitch McConnell (R-KY- $2,758,468)

Ben Nelson (D-NE- $1,196,799)

Joe Lieberman (D- CT- $1,036,302)

Chuck Schumer (D-NY- $981,400)

Chuck Grassley (R-IA- $884,724)

...those are campaign contributions spent by anti-health care reform forces in the last decade. Or this:

$3,405,669,482

...the amount of lobbying money spent during the same time frame by those same anti-health care reform forces. Yes, that's in bbbbilions. As in "what would motivate an industry to spend billions of dollars in lobbying? What could they possibly receive in return to justify all that money spent? I mean - the CEOs who approved this sort of expenditure - they probably got punished somehow by their boards of directors, right?

Or maybe Ron Williams of Aetna made 24 million dollars in 2008.

Our health care system, the one that is being defended by billions of health insurance dollars, kills Americans every day while the CEOs of those insurance companies pocket millions.

But universal health care = Nazis.

We're idiots. But this isn't about that.

Or this (quoting Bernie Sanders)

The estimate is about $400 billion a year in administrative costs, in billing, in profits, in CEO compensation, in advertising--all of those things which have nothing to do with the provision of healthcare...

In California, my understanding is that 1 out of every 3 dollars of premiums goes to administration. If we are gonna address the very rapid and dangerous increase in healthcare [costs], then the only way to do that is through a single-payer system which wrings out all of the waste that private health insurance creates.

It's not those corporate interests and purchased politicians of both parties; it's not the wedding of corporate purchasing power, authoritarianism, and the ignorance of the American people.

(a note - a response I've gotten to my "uh, why all the guns outside the town halls" is "it's protest! Free speech! You like free speech, Jividen!" I do. True story. Sure, this is clearly designed not to promote, but to chill speech, but I can pick up what you're laying down. People should be able to protest their President, absolutely. And if it was Bush, giving a speech, and say protesters showed up with loaded automatic weapons and signs talking about watering the tree of liberty, I'm sure that would have been fine.

Or - they would have been arrested without a peep from the media.

And that's if they were just holding the sign.
With no gun around anywhere.

But that was just once, right? Or maybe twice?

These people:

got arrested.

This dude:

got interviewed.

What kind of country would it be if the 4th Amendment had the sort of lobbying muscle that the 2nd Amendment does? Would George Clooney stand before a cheering throng as he yelled out "You want to search my house without a warrant supported by probable cause? You can have the keys to my front door when you pry them out of my cold, dead hands!!"

But none of that is what I want to talk about.

I want to discuss the curious tie in between Bravo (gay ESPN) and Operation Smile.

You all know what I'm talking about!

The 2009 television drinking game of choice at my house (fair disclosure, I don't drink, but I sure can eat me a chocolate chip cookie - particularly now that the Nestle cookie dough recall is over. A longer national nightmare I cannot recall. Hey, homonyms!) involved taking a shot whenever Jessie starting yammering about the good people at Operation Smile. It was a weird season long product placement; as intrusive as the Diet Dr. Depper in the new 90210 (as of yet, there's not a character I care about even a little bit since they shipped off Lucinda Bluth. I keep waiting for BlackBrandon to pull out a trenchcoat and a sawed off shotgun to start killing off drug dealers.)

But if it remained there it would only be a mild curiosity that helped add to my tremendous weight gain.

However, on last week's Miami Social - suddenly Hardy (who is mysteriously silent about his days on Big Brother 2. Don't think we don't know who you is Hardy! You are Captain Club Promoter now, with your {absolutely bizarre} tendency to be shot like you were Don Cheadle's partner in Oceans 11. But we know you as the All-american boy next door who fell under Nicole's dark and mysterious spell in what remains Big Brother's best season {6 was better, right? The result was unsatisfying, but 6 was better. And maybe All-Stars was better too - but for historical importance, what beats BB2? I'm still doing the Chilltown hand signals. Talk about being under the sway of authoritarianism}) suddenly Hardy is putting on a benefit for, wait for it, Operation Smile. It was like when NBC has one of their enviro-friendly weeks and Tracy Jordan is talking about chlorofluorocarbons, "The ozone layer is racist, Liz Lemon!"

And I just need to know what the hell is going on. Where's my Fox News poll:

27% of Americans believe that Operation Smile will force healthy white Christian babies to be disfigured by Obamacare plastic surgeons. Your tax dollars will fund this.

Sometimes my stories confuse me. NYC Prep and Miami Social both pimping for Operation Smile!

And I turn to mainstream media for answers.

But the answers do not come.

And now what?

(Update - so, if you read the comments, you'll find that I now have an answer - the fine people at Operation Smile not only do good work - they have excellent taste in blogs.  That was surprise number one for the day - surprise number two is my friend Kate, baker of the aforementioned cookies, ran into the aformentioned Jessie later that day.  She did not inquire about the whereabouts of PC.  Although that would have been awesome.  The Blog of Revelation~  Solver of Mysteries, Eater of Cookies.)