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Here's the thing. I'm watching one of these shows on the Cooking Channel featuring food trucks. There's a Scottish expat making fish and chips; in a thick brogue he somewhat wearily explains his irritation with Americans who habitually order a side of tartar sauce: "tartar sauce is basically gherkins." That's this blog. I claim no particular insight, no revelation. If you enjoy the flavor, great, but this blog is basically gherkins.

The Weekly Tendown January 15-21 2012 (Championship Sunday Edition)

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Dear Internet:


How am I getting ready for the 49ers return to the NFC Championship Game?

The same way as you, of course.

Better watch your behind if its in our way.

Here's Tendown 111. 110 is here.

1. Yes, I Picked New York.  Yes.
49er interest has caused this past couple of weeks to be the most highly trafficked in the history of the blog; you'll note on the right side that my all time 49er 45 man roster is now my most read post ever (I've updated all of my all time rosters to reflect the 2011 season, so consider searching for your favorite team).  I made a ton of historical posts this week: a look at every 49er NFC Championship game; and the history of the Niners/Giants rivalry;.  But here are my predictions for today's games.

Note that against the spread I'm 7-1 so far in the playoffs.  And I went 21-3 picking the Golden Globes.  If the world were a better place, I'd have a 900 number, a nickname that included the word "Steam", and I'd be living offshore to avoid a Megaupload (does no one in this country care about due process anymore?) like seizure of my website.

I've been a Niner fan since the 1978 season; I was 7 years old; our quarterback was Steve Deberg and my favorite player was OJ Simpson.  If you read my pieces during the Giants World Series run, you'll know that while my baseball fandom largely existed inside my head, football was an experience I always shared with my family.  My favorite childhood memories are watching 49ers games with my parents and eventually my younger brothers; we sat in the same seats, we ate at the same time; my mother would get too anxious and leave the room and I'd deliver play by play.  Other than the occasional girl who would let me see her naked, the highlights of my youth all involved watching games with my family.

I'm at home today; I watched the Saints game last week at my mom's with she and my youngest brother, which was good times.  But I had to work all morning and teach two five hour classes on Monday, so today I'm home.  My Ladygal enjoys college football (although she's an SEC fan, and who has the energy for all of that) but not so much the NFL.  Meaning - it's just me today.  I'm not particularly nervous; it's an unexpected bonus at this point.  I'd enjoy the whole Super Bowl experience again (particularly against New England) since it's been over 20 years now; two more weeks of getting to think about 49er football, so thats my primary motivation today.

I picked New York - and I think they'll win, but it's like 55/45, if the field is super slow and it turns into 60 minutes of handfighting, the evidence would suggest that's a game we're suited for.  We could be headed to our sixth Super Bowl by day's end.

2. You Know Who Would Like That?


San Francisco 49ers fan Matt Kemp.

I think I heard that Aubrey Huff's an old LA Rams fan.  Perhaps some type of swap is in order.

3. Two SI pieces to read.
On Alex Smith.
On the Niners/Giants rivalry.

4. Hey, What's All that Special Teams Dancing?


It's the Tony Montana squad.

5. Okay, Here's More Songs, Just For the Hell of It.
Tony Montana.
The 49er rap.

6. Who Was Irving Gordon?


The same person wrote both Who's On First and the Nat King Cole song Unforgettable.

7. Eyes Wide Shut Is Real!


Rosie O'Donnell was on Andy Cohen's show a week ago talking about attending parties with closeted Hollywood lesbians back in the day; where one might say "hey, look, Darlene from Roseanne is gay, how about that."

What would be good is if, more broadly, there were Hollywood Secrets parties - where everyone would have something to hide, and the party is where they could be who they are.  Anderson Cooper's banging Mike Piazza.  No judgment.  President Obama's really Muslim. No judgment. Rob Lowe actually passed away in 1998.  No judgment.

Tom Cruise is there.  He's there because he and Nicole Kidman never really broke up and they are all over each other.  It's the only place where they can express their love.  Why did they divorce?  Cruise is actually Katie Holmes's beard - not that she's gay, her secret is she was never able to choose between Dawson and Pacey and just keeps flipping back and forth.  It's enough Joey Potter!  You've caused enough damage for those two boys!



8. Didn't They Impeach Clinton?


Newt Gingrich crawled his way back into the Republican nomination this week.  And why not - it turns out that not only did he ask his first wife for a divorce when she was bed ridden with cancer; but when he was caught cheating on his second wife (who had multiple sclerosis) he asked her for an open marriage.

And when asked if he'd like to comment about that last revelation, at a South Carolina debate co-sponsored by a pro-marriage organization dedicated to fighting against gay rights given how they harm the sanctity of marriage, Gingrich attacked the question as coming from the elite media always looking to stir up trouble.

And earlier in the week, he responded to Juan Williams's questioning of Newt's reference to Obama as the "food stamp President" by asserting that the concept of work is apparently foreign to Williams.

Black President gives out food stamps.
Black reporter doesn't understand work.
Ex-wives are disturbed troublemakers.
Liberal news media won't tell the truth about how good White Christian men are being deliberately held back.

That's not a particularly charitable way to view Newt's South Carolina campaign this week, but I think it's accurate.

Democrats believe Gingrich to be easy pickings in a general election given the length of his megalomaniacal record and his inability to press the conservative Christian button as hard as is necessary to get the kind of turn out Republicans need.   Hard to say that those sleazy immoral secular Democrats are ruining the country when you're as larded in Newt-ness as Gingrich as been for two decades.

But yet - here we are.  My favorite "no, it's actually a sign of his moral strength that he keeps cheating on his wives" piece this week from the right wing was from "Don't let Chaz Bono on tv because he's a terrible role model for kids" Dr. Keith Ablow.

1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.
2) Two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married.
3) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.
Conclusion: When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about whether we'll be clamoring for a third Gingrich term, not whether we'll want to let him go after one. 


I think Romney's the nominee.  But Newt makes things fun.  There's literally nothing these guys won't say.

9. Where Am I Not Moving?  Indonesia.
Where they'll lock you up for saying there's no god.

10. Good Luck, Everyone


Go Niners.

That's all for this time.  I'll be back next time.  If there is a next time...

Your pal,

Jim

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