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Repost - I'll Rochambeau You For a Blog About the Rock Paper Scissors Championship

Wednesday, July 22, 2009



Tonight, Fox Sports (check local listings) is televising the World Championships...for Rock-Paper-Scissors.


True story.

Well, here's the thing - about a year and a half ago, in a different place, I wrote a blog about, oddly enough, Rock-Paper-Scissors. I thought I'd post it here. Now, an explanation - a couple/three years ago now, I had a play I co-authored (Spoon Millionaires, feel free to google) professionally produced. It was extra exciting and as part of the process attempting to shop it to other theaters, I began to blog. Those blogs were different from the blogs you see here in that they were done to entertain - specifically, to entertain using a "voice" that one might have heard in the play.

So, as opposed to Professor Jividen (he says, in case his employer or students, present or future, are reading) steady and sober and always appropriate regarding all things - the tone of these pieces is from Playwright Jividen - who is a little more colorful with the language (if you're interested in paying either of them to write for you, feel free to contact me).

Part of that color included the running character of the "Voice In My Head" which has a particular tone that those of you have been reading my stuff or watching it performed - as far back as undergraduate school, really - will recognize.  I've been doing that character in one form or another since I was 20.  Fun for me.  But it's just a character.  You know, art and whatnot.  (Being a professional is a pain in the ass when you want to tell jokes.  On the real.)

With that - let's Rochambeau:

"Hey, Jimbo. Psst. Jimbo. You still here, you tubby, little bitch?"


Hey, it's the Voice In My Head. Been a long time; nice to know you're still able to wrap your way around a phrase. What have you been up to?


"I became the World Champion in Rock, Paper, Scissors."


There's a world championship for Rock, Paper, Scissors?

"Shit yeah. And I have made it my art, daddy. Rock, Paper, Scissors has become my raison d'etre. I have traveled across the four corners of the globe to become the Alpha and the Omega of Rock, Paper, Scissors! I went to Cambodia, where it is known as Bao Sing Soum; it was there that I mastered the Latin American double-back strategy, cloaking a paper throw by holding rock until my arm breaks the plane where it lies perpendicular to my torso; at which time I can audible like Peyton Manning to either paper or scissors as required by the moment. I traveled to Russia, where I immersed myself in a variant which incorporates an elephant, a man named Sergei; and an ant. The elephant crushes the man; the man squashes the ant; and the ant insouciantly taunts the elephant by crawling into its ear and slowly driving it insane by humming Pour Some Sugar on Me"

You've been busy, Voice in my Head. I'm impressed with your degree of dedication; Rock, Paper, Scissors is a children's game – it can't have brought you fortune and glory, and let's be honest, you really only do things that benefit you.

"Ah, Jividen. Poor, sweet, na├»ve, big in the pants Jividen. The World R-P-S Society has big coin for we Reaux Sham Beaux masters. I took 50 large at the Mandalay Bay last month when I quadruple prime faked Robert "Fast Twitch" Twitchel into throwing rock when I had him all covered up with a sweet sheet of paper. Paper, son! Paper! Forget the Oreos, Eat Cool J Cookies! Oh, the honeys went nuts for the Voice in Your Head, daddy. I got more mildly retarded tail that night than a toilet seat at Grand Central Station. It was the second greatest night in Rock, Paper, Scissors history!"

Okay, I'll play. Hey, Voice in My Head – what was the greatest night in Rock, Paper, Scissors, history?


"Know why I dig you, Jimbo? You play along. You're an excellent straight man for such a gay dude."

Aw, don't make that joke please, Voice in My Head. That's gonna get back to mom; both my little brothers are married now, and I just don't need the aggravation.

"Yeah, okay. We'll just keep your love of all things penis on the down low, keep it on the hush-hush. One day, hopefully you'll feel comfortable enough to be out and proud, sisterfriend! At least I'm not telling the people about your days as a male prostitute."

This is not helping me get dates. Just…Jesus, man, did you call me a male prostitute?


"A cheap, fifty dollar whore selling your  ample cakes in Delray Beach for any freak who wanted a little nasty backdoor action. Listen, readers, when I found this man, accidentally one night I was just giving him
a lift home I hope everyone understands that -- he was dressed like
Pocahontas and asking every man on the street if he wanted to"explore foreign lands."

Will you stop?

"But, look at him now! This beautiful, glorious man -- respected, competent.. rescued from the dustbin of mediocrity by myself, the by-God Voice In His Head!....but does he ever thank me...that's not the point right now...the point is that he doesn't like to talk bout this little embarrassingfeature of his life, Jividen just glosses over it...pretends it didn't happen...and certainly...under _no_ circumstances would he ever go back to those days of man/boy love, triple inputs and golden showers again. Isn't that right, Jimbo?"

None of this ever happened

All of it happened. Mmmm. Hey, we need to renew our NAMBLA membership. Poppa gots needs.

I don't even know what that means.
"Anyway, there's a biologist at UC Santa Cruz, home of the mighty Banana Slugs, who discovered a Rock-Paper-Scissors evolutionary strategy in the mating behavior of the lizard species Uta stansburiana."


I did not expect that. I'm in, Voice in My Head - whaddya got here?

"It's like this --- the male lizards have either orange, blue, or yellow throats and each type follows a fixed mating strategy.

You with me, Jimbo?"

I know I'm a half step slower than I was a few years ago, VIMH, but I can keep straight 3 different colors. There's a lizard with an orange throat, one with a blue throat, and then one with a yellow throat. Got it.

"Now, the orange throated lizards are the strongest and they are able to smash the blue throats and take their women. But the yellow throats are doublefast and able to outmaneuver the orange dudes, taking their women back to the lair where the ladies get busy draining some yellow lizard, if you know what I'm saying, Jimbo."

I almost never know what you're saying, Voice In My Head.

"What I'm saying is that in this particular species of lizard – orange beats blue…but yellow beats orange…and what do you suppose happens when the blue throated lizards compete with the yellow throated ones? Take a shot, Jimbo. You should be able to get this one right, there are no polysyllabic Samoan names to pronounce."

Seriously? The blue throated males take the females away from the yellow throats?

Bingo. Jimbo is your nam-o, Jack. 'Cause the blue throats are mid-sized, too small to compete with the big, fat ass orange lizards – but not too big that they can't keep up with the smaller yellow throats. BigOrange beats mid sizeblue; tiny, quick yellow beats too slow orange; and that midsize blue beats puny yellow. And that's how all 3 types of the lizards survive. It's evolution. It's science. It's Rock-Paper-Scissors. It's all about matchups, Chester.

That's the most interesting thing you've ever said. I may have misjudged you, Voice in My Head.

"Hah! I'm havin' fun, Jividen! This has been great! No baseball lists or political diatribes. Just you and me and references to sexual acts with underage boys! It's a win/win!"

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, Voice In My Head. It's interesting how a children's game allows us to learn about evolutionary biology; maybe it's true that everything we ever needed to know we learned in kindergarten.

"You really believe that, Jimbo?"

Absolutely not.

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