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1st and Five: The Weekly Tendown, A Special Halfdown May 30-June 5 2010

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Dear Internet:

Jason Bateman and Dustin Hoffman get their makeout on for the Kiss Cam.

I got nothin'.

Let's do some Tendown 29!

First: You Can't Be Neutral on a Moving Train

The LA School District this week announced that the Arizona Show Your Papers law would become part of the civics curriculum.  Although the passed provison was facially neutral - commentary by the school board President suggested that the Arizona law was "anti-American" - and in the linked piece, law professor Jonathan Turley expressed concern that the way it might be presented in class might be slanted:

I have long supported schools incorporating such public issues into civics discussion to tie foundational principles to contemporary examples. Arizona’s law could make for some interesting debate and thought-provoking questions. However, only if it is taught in a neutral way and elicits discussion on both perspectives — not just opposition to the law. The message from the board appears to be that the classes should characterize the law as akin to racism and anti-Semitism. That would seem more like indoctrination than education.

This is, let me suggest, trickier than Turley presents.

Should every issue be presented in a neutral way?  Is it possible to do so?

Understandably, we want to lurch toward an idea of fairness - ideas aren't math problems, there isn't a "correct" answer to the question "is the show your papers law anti-American" in the way that we know 2+2=4 (or in the way we know that evolution is true; which adds another plank to this discussion; "teach the controversy" has become the creationist mantra for the past couple of decades - it was the position taken by Bush 43, that "both sides" of the evolution "debate" should be taught - as if the two possibilities of human existence were (1) the best analysis of the facts as currently knowable to us or (2) Genesis.  Oh...just briefly, the reason Christians really, and I mean really don't want that "controversy" taught - is we'd have to apply the same standard of rigor in evaluating evidence to creationism as we do toward actual science - and that would be a bit of a massacre. No one really argues that 2+2=7 or that Thursday comes before Wednesday should receive equal time; we could collectively decide that "facts do not exist" in a post-Foucaldian fashion should be a greater element of public school education - but it would make it kinda difficult to grade papers.  Certainly would have helped my Chemistry grade junior year:

The atomic weights of oxygen and of carbon are 16.0 and 12.0, respectively. How much heavier is the oxygen atom in relation to carbon?



Correct Solution: Atomic weights represent the relative masses of different kinds of atoms. This means that the atom of oxygen has a mass that is 16/12 = 4/3 ≈ 1.33 as great as the mass of a carbon atom.

My Answer: 4

But if my answer is motivated by my sincerely held belief that Avogadro's number is merely a secular theory designed to strip me of my religious heritage; one that would later lead to the extermination of the Jews in the Holocaust, then clearly I should have gotten credit; otherwise I am being denied my religious liberty.  Sort of like the recent argument from military chaplains that repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell would be infringing upon their free exercise right to discriminate against gays.)

Which sort of gets us to the right spot.

We can agree, you and I and Professor Turley, that a math teacher should teach that 1+1=2 without room for much interpretation.

Let's put that on one end.  I'd suggest to you gravity, the heliocentric universe and evolution are pretty near that end.

On the extreme other end, there are some matters that we can largely agree are matters solely of taste.  Cake is better than pie.  Vanilla is better than chocolate.  Unlikely we want to teach those things as matters which are knowable.   

Where's the Holocaust on that scale?  Not "did it happen" - but "what does it mean"?

Or slavery?  Is the role of the instructor to look to have a balanced discussion about the merits of genocide? 

Turley, even as he's saying that a condemnation of the Show Your Papers law would be an inappropriate use of the classroom puts that law in contrast with racism and anti Semitism; by clear implication, Turley is saying that racism isn't a matter of opinion, that it is a clear wrong, should be taught as a clear wrong - that racism looks more like math than like dessert preference.

Once we move from a position that the job of the instructor is total neutrality about matters not factual we open the door to interpretation.  If Professor Turley takes for himself the ability to say the Holocaust was an atrocity - or that the conception of slavery, placing one man in a legally subordinate position to another man based solely on race, was "anti-American", given the stated comittment in our founding documents to the principle of all men being created equal - then presumably ideas are not all to be presented neutrally - ideas are presented in the manner in which they are most reasonably understood.

I'd argue that the most reasonable way to view Show Your Papers is that it's anti-American; that the essence of our criminal justice system is we place a burden not to prove innocence - but to prove guilt.  The reason we have a 4th Amendment is to make the government demonstrate good cause before accusing us of crimes; if the government wants to come into my house to investigate me, it needs something more than just suspicion; it needs probable cause.  We don't like in a country where the police pull your car over just to do.  We don't live in a country where, if you're walking down the street, you'd better have an ID at the ready.

Or at least we didn't used to.  This is the slippery slope in action.  Twenty years ago, we had a debate about drug testing in high school sports.  The government decided that, despite the language of the 4th Amendment, high school athletes could have their bodies searched, even if there were no suspicion at all of illegal activity.

I'd suggest to you this is anti-American.  I don't need to prove myself innocent.

Ten years ago, after 9-11, there were checkpoints placed in subways, there were patdowns in front of football stadiums.  The government argued that, despite the language of the 4th Amendment, the threat of terrorism required that we could have our property searched, even if there were no suspicion at all of illegal activity.

I'd suggest to you this is anti-American.  I don't need to prove myself innocent.

I shouldn't be allowed to falsely shout fire in a crowded theater, despite first amendment language.  It poses an immediate threat to life.  Okay.  Fair exception.

I shouldn't be allowed to walk onto an airplane without going through a metal detector, despite fourth amendment language.  It poses an immediate threat to life.  Okay.  Fair exception.

Show Your Papers isn't that.  We can have a debate about the level of  "crisis" that undocumented immigration possesses - I'd argue it's fairly small in the universe of current American problems - but there's not a reasonable argument that it's the functional equivalent of getting on an airplane.

And that's not really the point, I recognize - the point is, as an instructor, what is my role - once we open the door and are willing to acknowledge a non-neutrality on ideas like "racism and anti-Semitism" - to what does that lead?

I don't have a good answer.  When it's the Texas School Board officially casting doubt on the separation of church and state, I think it's contrary to the manifest weight of historical evidence, but I get that pretty quickly we hit a whose ox is being gored place.

The problem is, as Howard Zinn observed, "you can't stay neutral on a moving train" - the idea of instructor as neutral arbiter doesn't exist;  we can offer rigorous analysis and offer that analysis from multiple perspectives - but just because multiple views exist, that doesn't mean they are all equally valid.  The ministers linked above are arguing that homosexuality is harmful and sinful - how much class time should that view get?  Should that view be presented neutrally?  Not much more than two generations ago a state like Virginia had a law against interracial marriage.  Would a Los Angeles high school teacher have been out of line by branding it un-American?  90 years ago the Supreme Court ruled that the forced sterilization of those judged mentally incompetent was constitutionally permissible.  What was the level of neutrality required when considering that?  Or Japanese internment?  Or Indian removal?

I get that it's hard; no, I don't have a good place to draw the line - ideas are complicated; if the LA School District had actually taken an official position that the meaning of the Show Your Papers law was anti-American and students should be instructed of such (this didn't happen, as Turley points out) I'd be opposed.  But if an instructor were to argue such, if he were to argue that the slow diminishment of the 4th Amendment over the past 30 years has been anti-American - if he were to point out that Show Your Papers occurs in the same racially charged environment that produced the lightening of the faces in a public school mural:

City Councilman Steve Blair spearheaded a public campaign on his talk show at Prescott radio station KYCA-AM (1490) to remove the mural.



In a broadcast last month, according to the Daily Courier in Prescott, Blair mistakenly complained that the most prominent child in the painting is African-American, saying: "To depict the biggest picture on the building as a Black person, I would have to ask the question: Why?"

I think that's not only a reasonable argument - I think it's the most reasonable way to view the evidence.
I think, I'd guess, that a professor should have something to profess.  That's what I think.

After the jump, the rest of the Tendown (I'll take the offsides penalty, only need 5 this week)

I Listen to Every Smack Off Call. Except 1995.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I've written in a previous post about my relationship with sports talk radio (my first call was as a 12 year old in '83, defending John Elway from Bob Trumpy criticism on his WLW show from Cincinnati); I recognized at a young age that the worst element of sports talk were the callers, who take their 90 seconds of airtime to display how deeply embedded are conservative virtues into the collective sports fan psyche (my defending the rights of the player against the corporate establishment would mark me as a political outlier; you don't have to scratch too deeply to find where most sports fans live).


More importantly, sports fans are boring (me too, I never made a call worth listening to); which is why you should avoid them on your radio dial.

Someone who recognized that early was Jim Rome; who cultivated a stylized manner of phone call from his listeners (The Jungle) which essentially boiled down to - prepare something to say before you call ("have a take, and don't suck").

The artistic success of that is a your mileage may vary situation; and Rome's own "take" on sports really hasn't evolved beyond the most bumper sticker simplistic - but I must admit, that since my first hearing it during a long, long drive in '96, I have gone out of my way each year to locate the annual Smack Off, the battle among top Jungle residents to provide the best call on the biggest day of the sports radio year. Like one could construct a narrative of modern WWE by viewing only each year's Wrestlemania if need be - listening to each Smack Off can allow you to weave your way through the sports radio landscape without having to kill yourself everytime Big Don calls from a car Phone.

This week, I found the entire history of the Smack Off.  And I listened to every call in Smack Off history. Every one (except '95, which isn't available - totally coincidentally, my last ever call to a sports talk show was in the year the Smack Off started). 2011 edit; the above link is currently dead, consider this as partial replacement.

I've re-awarded each year's Huge Call, and I'm willing to say, given that I have the benefit of hindsight, that my choices for annual winner, where they differ from the official selection, are superior.

The Real Winners of the Smack Off:

1995: Actual Winner: JT the Brick

1996: Actual Winner: Jeffrey DiTolla, My Winner: Jeffrey DiTolla
-I'm not sure, upon re-listen, what would have gotten me hooked back in '96 - these early Smack Offs are terrible.  They're terrible for two reasons (1) the top end calls are not as good as in recent years and there are relatively few that stand out and, more importantly (2) there just isn't enough depth to support a 4 hour Smack Off - these longer shows, with bad call after bad call, are just drugery to get through - by the time I got to Jim in Crapchester I just wanted to start crying.  DiTolla 1 is slightly better than DiTolla 2 to take this year.

1997: Actual Winner: Doc Mike DiTolla, My Winner: Iafrate
-This, I'd argue, is the worst Smack Off - partially because the sound quality of the upload isn't very good - but I defy anyone to listen to Mitch the Rat in Wichita and think this is an event that will still be part of the sports talk landscape in 2010.  I didn't like any of the calls, literally, not a single one. 

1998: Actual Winner: Stevie Carbone, My Winner: Doc Mike DiTolla
-I'd go 1-2-3 with Doc Mike, Stevie, Iafrate - all who came in at the end to make this, probably the strongest Smack Off to that date.  Jim Harbaugh inexplicably calls to essentially say he had nothing to say.

1999: Actual Winner: Sean the Cablinasian, My Winner: Sean the Cablinasian
Enter the Cablinasian; if there is a line of demarcation into the era of 21st century Smack, it would be here with the win by the Cablinasian; Sean's (1) level of preparation and (2) comfort with embracing a manuscript style of call put him a cut above in the new era.  As I'll mention in a couple of years - of the big hitter callers in the middle of the first decade of the new millennium, I prefer Iafrate to Sean by a little bit - but the Cablinasian was, pretty solidly the best call in '99.

2000: Actual Winner: Doc Mike, My Winner: Doc Mike
If you were going to try this endeavor - listening to every Smack Off call ever - consider starting in 2000, if you make it to 2010, then go back and get to the 90s, as this is the first of the 3 hour years and it's not at all a struggle to get through.  The dentist wins again, both in the real vote and mine. 

2001: Actual Winner Silk in Huntington Beach. My Winner: Gino in San Antonio (finished 3rd)

-This wasn't a very good year; Silk made easily his best call of the decade, a political takedown of standard sports talk, and if one wanted to leave the result as it was, I'd be okay with that - but Gino (making his, to this date, last ever call to the Smack Off) edges him out largely based on delivery.

2002: Actual Winner Jeff in Richmond. My Winner: Doc Mike DiTolla (5th)

-The worst result in the decade; Jeff's almost a stereoptypically bad caller, mixing in lifted wrestling promo language with boilerplate conservativism. He'll fit it great with the next junior Senator from the Nutmeg State. Doc Mike doesn't make a great call here, but as with 2001, there wasn't a great call, and he should have gotten his 3rd win. 

2003: Actual Winner Sean the Cablinasian. My Winner: Dan in DC (4th)

-Sean's the most rewarded caller in Jungle history - a 5 time Smack Off Winner; in my re-working, his 4 titles this decade are reduced to one; I like Sean, he'd make my top 3 or 4 every single year, but I have him getting edged out of most of his titles. Like Gino, Dan in DC stopped calling the Smack Off after failing to win in his year (perhaps out of disappointment for being inappropriately unacknowledged - today, you are redeedmed, Gino in San Antonio and Dan in DC! Redeemed! Redeemed by the Blog of Revelation!) but Dan returned a few weeks ago for the 2010 contest.

2004: Actual Winner Iafrate. My Winner: Iafrate

-Iafrate and the Cablinasian are the most consistent performers over the last ten years (along with Greg in Vegas). They went 1-2 in '04 and that's the way I would have gone as well.

2005: Actual Winner Sean the Cablinasian. My Winner: Iafrate (2nd)

-I'd actually put Sean in third in 2005, behind Iafrate and Stevie Carbone. Iafrate has a more extemporaneous sounding style than Sean (a thought which he interjects in his calls, most effectively in 2007) and that gives him the edge for me.

2006: Actual Winner Sean the Cablinasian. My Winner: Sean the Cablinasian

-Sean's the side here, then Iafrate, Carbone, and Greg in Vegas. Another caller who I dislike, largely for reasons of style is Terrence in Sierra Madre; which I mention here as Rome consistently calls he and Greg the best callers never to have won the Smack Off, a role that was Iafrate's at decade's start.

2007: Actual Winner Sean the Cablinasian. My Winner: Iafrate (4th)

-Sean's third straight - but again, I'm going Iafrate, in my listening - he'd be a three time winner from the decade. Sean, Greg, Carbone once again would round out my top 4.

2008: Actual Winner Iafrate. My Winner Doc Mike DiTolla (2nd)

-The Cablinasian got his own radio show; knocking him out of competition - and whereas the guy I thought had been the better of the two, Iafrate, actually won in '08, I would have had him 3rd, behind Joe in the OC, and my favorite single call in Smack Off history, Doc Mike's "I drink your smacktake" call.  In my vote, Doc Mike becomes a 4 time winner.

2009: Actual Winner Brad in Corona. My Winner Greg in Vegas (4th)

-My current favorite caller stylistically is Brad in Corona (just ahead of Joe in the OC) but I would have placed him 3rd in '09, behind Mike in Indy and Greg in Vegas - Greg's shtick is that he says overly offensive things (in '09 there was a Christina Applegate's breast cancer joke) which prevents him from winning. When you listen to every Smack Off call over the past ten years in one week that can really start to wear on you - but taking each year individually, I think this was the best call of '09.

2010: Actual Winner Vic In NoCal. My Winner: Brad in Corona (8th)

-The largest disparity between my choice and the official board, probably due to 2010 arguably being the best overall year for calls, at least in terms of the depth of the good calls, in Smack Off history. Brad was my favorite, and I'm not really a fan of Vic's, as his style is a step too manuscript heavy for my ears - Joe in the OC was a very close second for me, Mike in Indy, Jay Mohr (with his best ever Smack Off call) and Doc Mike would have rounded out my hypercompetitive top 5.

2011: Actual Winner: Brad in Corona.  My Winner: Brad in Corona
-Brad and Iafrate should have gone 1-2 (I would have moved Joe in the OC up to 3rd); My top 2 were clearly the strongest in mixing solid content with an extemporaneous sounding delivery; both guys are extra comfortable on the radio; I preferred Iafrate a tick this year; meaning, I liked listening to his call more - I enjoyed the experience more, I found him more likable - but that could be my settling into middle age; I'm now old school defending my intellectual turf against young punks - recognizing that, I vote for Brad - he cut more deeply, was sharper, more creative, and is the only guy on the board who doesn't lose ground to Iafrate stylistically.

I don't know why I didn't listen to 2012.  No - I did listen, Chael won and didn't deserve it, but I didn't include that discussion here for some reason.

2013: Actual Winner: Mark from Hollywood. My Winner: Vic in No Cal (3rd)
Mark did a Siri bit that, had you heard it at a comedy club would have come across as really hacky.  I didn't think this was a strong year, had Brad in Corona not gotten run, he would have been my choice again.

Here's a link.

2014: Actual Winner: Mike in Indy/Chael Sonnen, My winner: Vic in No Cal (4th)
Chael is famous and can read well, Mike's less so and less so - the optics around the call were significantly better than the actual take which was long and laboriously read. It was only 4 years ago that my dislike of Vic was motivated by his script reliance, now, in context, he seems almost extemporaneous.  Mark from Hollywood is head and shoulders above the field in terms of ability to not sound like he's speaking from a script, I preferred Vic's content - but stylistically, no one was close to Mark in the year with the least sports content I can ever recall.

2015: Actual Winner: Brad in Corona. My winner: Mike and Chael (2nd)
Brad, as you can see, has been particularly high on my list of Rome callers; in the real vote, he edged last years winners; but I (narrowly) go the other way, Chael and Mike's worked break up/drop call angle was seamless and got my top spot with Mark from Hollywood being my third choice.



Not That You Should Listen - But...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Lakers in 6.

And I'll take Brazil in the World Cup.  'Cause if you're just taking someone, why not take Brazil?

1st and Ten: The Weekly Tendown: May 23-29 2010

Sunday, May 30, 2010




Dear Internet:
Welcome to Issue 28 of the Tendown; my look at the top cultural happenings of the previous 7 days.  The conceit, for you new readers, is I start with an expansive thought, labeling it First - and then I countdown, nominally in order of importance, the next ten items, some of which draw more discussion than others; usually related to the amount of time in which I have to write. Probably, there's something in here which you will find of interest; probably, there's something in here which won't mean anything at all to you; the calculus is less "what is of most interesting to the interwebs this week" and more "what's in my brain".

And what's in my brain this week is the brain.



First: I don't watch The Curiously Obscure Adventures of Old Christine which may not be the actual title of the show, but Saturday I watched a recent episode of The Curiously Obscure Adventures of Old Christine which contained the following premise, Julia Louis Dreyfus (who will hereafter be referred to as Elaine; she says here that she has not had plastic surgery; and while this seems implausible I will decide to accept it as truth) is engaged to Eric McCormack (who we'll now call Will - the thought about Will is that he's got an Uncle Miltie/Ed Begley situation going on below the waist, also, presumably not surgically enhanced - the Elaine/Will hookup is good fantasy booking on the part of the show; like when Noel dated Monica on Cougar Town for a handful of episodes this season) but is threatened by Will's too-friendly relationship with his ex Beth Littleford (who I occasionally confuse, for no good reason, with Alexandra Wentworth - so we're going to refer to her as the woman not lucky enough to have married George Stephanopolis; like - you know who I think of when I see Brad Garrett?  Marc Curry.  Giant, largely unfunny comics from the same era.  But Garrett's got retirement money from Raymond and Marc Curry would kill to get a MyNetwork TV sitcom with Ray J.  Just goes that way sometimes.  Julia Louis Dreyfus used to battle for sketch time on SNL with Mary Gross.  Now she has 8 figures in the bank and is on the tv making out with mighty donged Will; while Mary Gross, you know, isn't.  When I was 10, I looked a lot like Jason Bateman.  Now, not so much, to the detriment of my Lady Type Friend.  It isn't the life that we have chosen, but it's the one we have). Specifically, Elaine thinks (with good reason) that she isn't as smart as Will and Not Mrs. Stephanopolous; the comedic part of this manifests itself when Will and Not Mrs. Stephanopolous are having what we, the everyman audience, is supposed to recognize as generic, placeholder braniac talk - having a debate if the physical composition of the brain itself changes as a result of psychotherapy, and Elaine responds first with a not particularly timely but a well executed reference to that Miss Teen Whatever from a few years ago "the Iraq, and such as" who finished third on the most recent Amazing Race  (I didn't like any of the final 3 teams; I may never get another Tammy and Victor for whom I can unabashedly cheer.  Tammy and Victor were bad ass; I don't have the sort of encyclopedic knowledge of the Race that I have over the two other CBS reality competition series such that I can qualitatively place them in a list of best Racers ever, but I rooted hard for them.  Tammy and Victor!) and then Elaine showed that her level of sophistication was simpler by trying to engage them in analysis of Russell's mastery of locating hidden immunity idols on Survivor 19.  My Tendown thought is I try to do both here; sometimes within the same paragraph - as I've already talked about the Race and now I get to why this is first on my list this week -- this article from Wired which presents evidence that there are physical changes in the brain - not during psychotherapy, but from spending time online.

Like when writing (or reading) Tendown, for example. 

And those physical changes (spoiler alert) are not for the better. 

I've thought a lot about, for example, what the loss of a tactile relationship with the written word will mean - when magzines and books and newspapers are largely consumed through electronic means; I've thought about how far away we are from simply being able to upload content information into our brains - to consume a book and the analysis thereof as opposed to working our way through the material - it could be democratizing; if Elaine doesn't understand brain plasticity she could just upload a couple of textbooks into the chips implanted in her hand and she'd be, more or less, on a playing field equivalent to Not Mrs. Stephanopolous as they fought to enjoy the genetic bounty in Will Truman's pants.  Or there will be a commodification of knowledge to a more extreme extent - the quality of medical care is vastly, vastly, vastly different in the US depending upon your bank account; Brad Garrett, Mrs. Stephanopolous, and Jason Bateman have, if you're playing the odds, a significantly better chance to live longer, healthier lives than do Marc Curry, Not Mrs. Stephanopolous, and me - one assumes that as advanced medical treatment begins to regularly consist of a master race of neuroenhancers, the distance between the blessings given to haves and have nots will include, even more than it does today, access to all the knowledge that man possesses. 

Much like with the Hollywood Walk of Fame misspelling her name on the star and CBS cancelling her show - it looks like Elaine's going come up short one more time. 

That's the best thing this week.  After the jump, the rest of the Tendown.

TBOR Athlete of the Month - May, 2010. (plus 1994 recap)

Saturday, May 29, 2010



Rajon Rondo. Runners-up: Floyd Mayweather, Dallas Braden, Roy Halladay

He joins the First Four Athletes of the Month in the race for TBOR Athlete of 2010. 

I've also been recapping my pre-blog athletes of the year, beginning in 1990.  I'm up to '94.

1994 Athlete of the Year - George Foreman
-Foreman also won the AP award, in retrospect, it's not a particularly strong choice; and I think who got screwed was my own guy - if I were to re-award this, it would go to Steve Young (or maybe Bonnie Blair).

January - Charlie Ward (Sterling Sharpe, Ricky Watters, Emmitt Smith)
February - Bonnie Blair (Johnny Miller, Tommy Moe, Oksana Baiul)
March - Wayne Gretzky (David Robinson, Glenn Robinson, Corliss Williamson)
April - Michael Moorer (Jose Maria Olazabal, Ryan Klesko, Joe Carter)
May - Hakeem Olajuwon (Charles Barkley, Ken Griffey, Mike Richter)
June - Brian Leetch (Patrick Ewing, Hakeem Olajuwon, Ken Griffey)
July - Romario (Martina Navratilova, Leroy Burrell, Kenny Rogers)
August - Nick Price (Geoff Bodine, Tiger Woods, Dan Marino)
September - Jerry Rice (Steve McNair, Kordell Stewart, Rashan Salaam)
October - Natrone Means (Patrick Nix, Joe Montana, Brook Berenger)
November - George Foreman (Barry Sanders, Roy Jones, Steve Young)
December - Steve Young (Barry Sanders, Marcus Allen, John Walsh)

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