The 31st Royal Rumble is Sunday from Philadelphia; your interest in this particular card probably rests on personal investment in the idea of the first ever women's Rumble match. I'm nestling comfortably into a middle aged white guy aversion to much of the current identity politics talk; there's a layer of WWE fandom less interested in bell to bell than they are in optics, but workrate remains more important to me than wokerate, and so much of the WWE women's revolution leaves me disinterested.
Here's the card.
Universal Title Brock Lesnar (c) (with Paul Heyman) vs. Braun Strowman vs. Kane
-This is the RAW title; Brock took from Goldberg at Mania and rolls on. He's going to keep it here in what will need to be a fairly short, fast paced, garbage match in order to be good. Brock's the monster babyface champ, he's going to keep this belt into a main event match at WM34. Strowman is also a monster babyface, booked to do ridiculous, superhuman things - similar to my thought about the women, Strowman isnt really what I do either. He's fine for this archetype, but there are big guys like Keith Lee or Jeff Cobb out there in the world who could also be in this spot and be good workers. Kane's here to get pinned unless Strowman gets pinned because of some type of HHH interference to set up a Mania match. Either way - it's probably not great and Brock keeps.
Brock kept in a short match no better than expected.
WWE Title: AJ Styles (c) vs. Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn
-This is the lineal WWF Champ, AJ is the 133rd WWF Champion, having taken from Jinder Mahal (who may have been the very worst wrestler ever to hold the belt...maybe Hogan's last run in 2002, he was worse, Vince had the belt for a week in '99, he was worse, if we recognize Andre in '88, he was a worse wrestler at the time than Jinder, and your mileage may vary on Stan Stasiak, but you can say Jinder's a bottom 5 all time wrestler to hold the WWF title...) back in May. He's the babyface, fighting a handicap match against heels Owens/Zayn; they are all part of a Daniel Bryan vs. Shane McMahon rival authority figure program on Smackdown. They have the ability to turn either Bryan or Shane heel in this match and switch the belts to make Owens/Zayn "co-champs" - or turn either heel in a failed attempt to screw AJ. It's a good story, albeit limited by what still looks like WWE aversion to clear Danielson to wrestle again and by the years of WWE authority figure storylines that have just burned that trope to the ground. These are 3 of the best wrestlers in the promotion, and I am looking forward to the match, but if feels more like a set up for the angle than like a match of the year candidate.
Edit - 3 1/2 stars, 16 minutes, this was well worked given the handicap gimmick, AJ kept.
RAW Tag Titles: Seth Rollins and Jason Jordan (c) vs. Cesaro and Sheamus
Smackdown Tag Titles: Usos (Jey and Jimmy Uso) (c) vs. Chad Gable and Shelton Benjamin
-I mention this sort of incredulously every quarter when I do a preview of one of the big 4 PPVs, neither of these belts is the lineal WWF tag titles, they let that lineage die. The RAW titles began in '02, Rollins and Jordan were thrown together when Dean Ambrose went down with a serious injury, and they took from Cesaro/Sheamus a month ago. Jordan is Kurt Angle's son in storyline; that's fueled his heel turn as he's just not believable in that role (and maybe the role itself is just too ridiculous to believe) - Rollins remains a babyface, but it's Cesaro/Sheamus, who have been heels, who get the cheers in this program. This should be a very good match; Rollins/Jordan dropping the titles with some sort of issue between them to start gearing toward a WM34 match would make sense.
-Jordan's previous tag partner was Gable; he's now with the returning Shelton Benjamin, challenging the Usos for the belts in what should also be a good match. The Smackdown belts are even newer than the RAW belts, they were launched in 2016 - the Usos have held them since October and there doesn't seem to be a ton of momentum for a Gable/Benjamin run.
Sheamus/Cesaro took the titles in a disappointing match; the Usos kept in a 3 1/4 match.
That's the show other than the 2 Rumble matches; my strong rooting interest is for a Nakamura win to set up Nakamura/AJ at WM, but I don't have any level of confidence it will turn out that way. Like most Royal Rumbles, the spectacle of the Rumble match itself is enough to earn a buy.
Edit: I went 4 on the men's match, the third best Rumble match of all time. Nakamura did go over.
Edit: The women's match was 3 1/2, the format really helped cover up the work weaknesses (which were significant) - the extended late match sequence worked a little better with the men, but the layout for both matches was similarly good.
Currently there are no other matches, they maybe do something with the Cruiser belt as it is vacant with Enzo being released this week.
It's the Royal Rumble, of course you watch it.
I've done it for Mania, SummerSlam, and Survivor Series. Here is my ranking of every match in the history of the Royal Rumble. Times are approximate, star ratings are for the 3 and up matches. Apologies if I missed anything.
1. '03 WWF Title: Kurt Angle d. Chris Benoit 20 min 5
2 '15 WWF Title: Brock Lesnar d. Seth Rollins/John Cena 23 min 4 1/2
3. ’00 WWF Title HHH d. Cactus Jack 27 min 4 ¼
4 ’01 IC Ladder: Chris Jericho d. Chris Benoit 19 min 4 ¼
5. '17 WWF Title: John Cena d. AJ Styles 24 min 4 1/4
6. '16 IC Falls Count Anywhere: Dean Ambrose d. Kevin Owens 21:30 4 1/4
7 ’04 Rumble Match: (Chris Benoit) 61:30 4
8 ’92 WWF Title: Rumble Match (Ric Flair) 62 min 4
9 '14 Bray Wyatt d. Daniel Bryan 22 min 4
10. '17 RAW Title: Kevin Owens d. Roman Reigns 23 min 4
11 ’91 Rockers d. Orient Express 19 min 4
12 ’95 WWF Title: Diesel draw Bret Hart 27 min 4
’ 13. '10 Rumble Match (Edge) 49:30 3 ¾
14 ’00 Tables Hardys d. Dudleys 10:30 3 ¾
15. ’94 Tags: Quebecers d. Bret/Owen 16:30 3 ¾
16. ’04 WWF Title: HHH draw HBK 22:30 3 ¾
17 '11 World: Edge d. Dolph Ziggler 20:30 3 ½
18 ’02 WWF Title: Chris Jericho d. Rock 19 min 3 1/2
19 ’98 WWF Title: Casket Match: Shawn Michaels d. Undertaker 22 min 3 ½
20 ’07 WWF Title: Last Man Standing: John Cena d. Umaga 22:30 3 ½
21 ’99 WWF Title: I Quit Match: Rock d. Mankind 22 min 3 ½
22 ’93 WWF Title: Bret Hart d. Razor Ramon 18 min 3 ½
23 ’11 Rumble Match (Alberto del Rio) 69 min 3 1/2
24 ’90 Rumble Match (Hulk Hogan) 59 min 3 ½
25 ’97 Rumble Match(Steve Austin) 50:30 3 ½
26. '17 Cruiser Title: Neville d. Rich Swann 13 min 3 1/2
27 ’01 WWF Title: Kurt Angle d. HHH 24:30 3 ¼
28 ’13 WWF Title: Rock d. CM Punk 23:30 3 ¼
29 ’93 IC Shawn Michaels d. Marty Jannetty 14:30 3 ¼
30 ’05 Edge d. Shawn Michaels 18:30 3 ¼
31 ’09 WWF Title: Edge d. Jeff Hardy 19:30 3 ¼
32 '16 WWF Title Rumble Match (HHH) 61:30 3 1/4
33 ’12 Rumble Match (Sheamus) 55 min 3 ¼
34 ’05 Rumble Match (Batista) 51:30 3 ¼
35 ’03 Rumble Match(Brock Lesnar) 53:30 3 ¼
36 ’00 Rumble Match(Rock) 52 min 3 ¼
37 ’01 Rumble Match(Steve Austin) 62 min 3 ¼
38 ’06 Rumble Match (Rey Mysterio) 62 min 3 ¼
39 ’07 Rumble Match (Undertaker) 56:30 3 ¼
40 ’89 Rumble Match(John Studd) 64 min 3 ¼
41 ’98 Rumble Match (Steve Austin) 55:30 3 ¼
42 ’08 Rumble Match (John Cena) 51:30 3 ¼
43 '14 WWF Title: Randy Orton d. John Cena 21 min 3 1/4
44 ’10 World: Undertaker d. Rey Mysterio 11 min 3 ¼
45 ’11 WWF: Miz d. Randy Orton 20 min 3 ¼
46 ’05 World: HHH d. Randy Orton 21:30 3 ¼
47 ’07 Hardys d. MNM 15:30 3 ¼
48 ’12 WWF Title: CM Punk d. Dolph Ziggler 14 min 3
49 ’01 Tags: Dudleys d. Edge/Christian 10 min 3
50 ’08 WWF Title: Randy Orton d. Jeff Hardy 14 min 3
51 ’92 Owen/Anvil d. Orient Express 17 min 3
52 ’95 Tags: Bob Holly/123 Kid d. Tatanka/Bam Bam Bigelow 15:30 3
53 ’02 Rumble Match(HHH) 69:30 3
54 ’94 Rumble Match: (Bret/Lex) 55 min 3
55 ’93 Rumble Match: (Yokozuna) 66:30 3
56 ’91 Rumble Match (Hulk Hogan) 65 min 3
57 ’96 Rumble Match(Shawn Michaels) 59 min 3
58 ’99 Rumble Match (Vince McMahon) 56:30 3
59 ’95 Rumble Match (Shawn Michaels) 39 min 3
60 ’09 Rumble Match (Randy Orton) 58:30 3
61 '14 Rumble Match (Batista) 55 min 3
62 ’13 Rumble Match (John Cena) 55 min 3
63 '15 Rumble Match (Reigns) 59 min 3
64 '17 Rumble Match (Orton) 3
65 ’88 Rumble Match (Jim Duggan) 33:30 3
66 ’02 IC: William Regal d. Edge 10 min 3
67 ’04 Eddy Guerrero d. Chavo Guerrero 8 min 3
68 ’13 World: Last Man Standing: Alberto del Rio d. Big Show 17 min 3
69 ’09 ECW: Jack Swagger d. Matt Hardy 10:30 3
70 ’96 Tags: Smoking Gunns d. Bodydonnas 11 min 3
71 ’03 Tags: Dudleys d. Regal/Storm 7:30 3
72 '16 US: Kalisto d. Del Rio 11:30 3
73. '17: Women's Title: Charlotte d. Bayley 13 min 3
74 ’97 WWF Title: Shawn Michaels d. Sid 14 min 3
75 ’89 Haku d. Harley Race 9 min 3
76 ’97 IC: HHH d. Goldust 17 min 3
77 ’06 Jr.: Gregory Helms d. Kash, Funaki, Noble, Nunzio, London 7:30
78 ’88 Jumping Bomb Angels d. Glamour Girls 14 min
79 ’89 Hart Foundation/Duggan d. Dino Bravo/Rougeaus 16 min
80 ’96 WWF Title: Undertaker d. Bret Hart 29 min
81 ’08 World: Edge d. Rey Mysterio 12:30
82 ’88 Ricky Steamboat d. Rick Rude 17 min
83 ’00 Taz d. Kurt Angle 3 min
84 ’02 Ric Flair d. Vince McMahon 15 min
85 ’98 IC Rock d. Shamrock 11 min
86 ’05 WWF Title: JBL d. Big Show/Kurt Angle 12 min
87 ’06 WWF Title: John Cena d. Edge 14
88 ’97 Vader d. Undertaker 13 min
89 ’13 Tags: Hell No d. Rhodes Scholars 9:30
90 ’93 Steiners d. Beverlys 10:30
91 ’07 World: Batista d. Ken Kennedy 10:30
92 ’90 Ronny Garvin d. Greg Valentine 17 min
93 '16 Women: Charlotte d. Becky 11:30
94 ’10 ECW: Christian d. Ezekial Jackson 12 min
95 ’88 Islanders d. Young Stallions 14 min
96 ’02 Tags: Taz/Spike Dudley d. Dudleys 5 min
97 '16 Tags: New Day d. Usos 11 min
98 ’12 World: Cage: Daniel Bryan d. Big Show/Mark Henry
99 ’00 IC: Chris Jericho d. Chyna d. Bob Holly 7:30
100 ’08 JBL d. Chris Jericho 9:30
101 ’10 US: Miz d. MVP 7:30
102 ’97 Garza/Aguayo/Canek d. Estrada/Metal/.Guerrera 11 min
103 ’04 WWF Title: Brock Lesnar d. Bob Holly 6:30
104 '15 Tags: Usos d. Miz/Mizdow 9:30
105 ’03 Brock Lesnar d. Big Show 6 min
106 Euro: '99 Sean Waltman d. Gangrel 6 min
107 ’98 Vader d. Goldust 8 min
108 ’95 IC Jeff Jarrett d. Razor Ramon 18 min
109 ’99 IC: Ken Shamrock d. Billy Gunn 14:30
110 ’04 Jr. Rey Mysterio d. Jamie Noble 3:30
111 ’91 Boss Man d. Barbarian 14 min
112 '14 Brock Lesnar d. Big Show 2 min
113’92 IC: Roddy Piper d. Mountie 5:30
114 ’08 Ric Flair d. MVP 8 min
115 ’98 Mini/Mosaic/Nova d. Battalion/Torito/Tarantula 8 min
116 ’97 Ahmed Johnson d. Farooq 9 min
117 ’96 Ahmed Johnson d. Jeff Jarrett 6:30
118 ’10 WWF: Sheamus d. Randy Orton 12:30
119 ’07 ECW: Bobby Lashley d. Test 7:30
120 ’04 Tags: Evolution d. Dudleys 4:30
121 ’03 World Title: Scott Steiner d. HHH 18:30
122 ’09 World John Cena d. JBL 15:30
123 ’99 Boss Man d. Road Dogg 12 min
124 ’90 Hacksaw Duggan d. Big Boss Man 10:30
125 ’91 Ted DiBiase/Virgil d. Dusty/Dustin 10 min
126 ’00 Tags: New Age Outlaws d. Acolytes 2:30
127 ’94 Tatanka d. Bam Bam Bigelow 8
128 ’94 IC: Razor Ramon d. IRS 11:30
129 ’96 IC: Goldust d. Razor 14:30
130 ’89 Rockin Robin d. Judy Martin 6:30
131 ’11 Women: Eve d. Natalya/Layla/Michelle McCool 5 min
132 '15 Bellas d. Page/Natty 8 min
133 ’12 Bellas/Beth/Natalya d. Kelly/Eve/Alicia/Tamina 5:30
134 ’02 Women: Trish d. Jazz 4 min
135 ’09 Women: Melina d. Beth Phoenix 6:30
136 ’92 Tags: Natural Disasters d. LOD 9:30
137 ’98 Tags: LOD d. New Age Outlaws 8 min
138 ’91 Mountie d. Koko 9
139 ’05 Casket: Undertaker d. Heidenreich 13:30
140 ’91 WWF Title: Sgt. Slaughter d. Ultimate Warrior 12:30
141 ’06 World: Kurt Angle d. Mark Henry 9:30
142 ’93 Bam Bam Bigelow d. Big Boss Man 10 min
143 ’95 Undertaker d. IRS 12:30
144 '15 Ascension d. New Age Outlaws 5:30
145 ’01 Women: Ivory d. Chyna 3:30
146 ’99 Women: Sable d. Luna 4:30
147 ’12 Brodus Clay d. Drew McIntyre 1 min
148 ’06 Boogeyman d. JBL 2 min
149 ’90 Bushwackers d. Rougeaus 13:30
150 ’12 John Cena draw Kane 11
151 ’90 Brutus Beefcake draw Lanny Poffo 11 min
152 ’92 Beverlys d. Bushwackers 15 min
153 ’10 Women: Mickie James d. Michelle McCool :30
154 ’03 Torrie Wilson d. Dawn Marie 3:30
155 ’06 Women: Mickey James d. Ashley 7:30
156 '94 WWF Title: Yokozuna d. Undertaker 14:30
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