For the past quarter century, I’ve gone out the Monday
morning after Selection Sunday to buy two copies of the USA Today. Why?
Giant brackets (one to fill out, one to populate as the tournament
played out) and team capsules. For
several years, really through law school, I cut out those capsules, put them in
a baseball cap, and would throw each team away as it was eliminated.
I still occasionally got laid. I can’t explain it myself.
Today, the capsules are largely as needed as a hard copy of
the TV Guide but I was still surprised this year to see that discussion of the
players has been replaced with lists of “notable alumni” of each of the 68
tournament teams.
That leads to this.
The 2013 Men’s NCAA Basketball Tournament as Predicted by
The Notable Alumni as Listed in USA Today.
First Round (these are play in games, don’t let them tell
you different)
NC A&T (Jesse Jackson) v. Liberty (Sid Bream) – Jackson’s
one of the pivotal civil rights figures of the past 40 years, Sid Bream’s
career WAR is 9.7 – Winner: NC A&T
Middle Tennessee St (James Mcgill Buchanan) v. St. Mary’s
(Robert Hass) – This is only evaluating the alumni actually named by USA Today,
so as to avoid researching where all of my favorite federal judges went to law
school…except for this game. I used to
go out with a Mid Tenn St alum, which, since it was an amicable break up, would
lead one to believe they were the side – except that I was still seeing her
when I met the woman who I would eventually marry, and that’s not a door that
needs opened lest I risk her writing about her exes. Ain't nobody got time for that. Winner – St. Mary's
Boise St. (Steve Appleton) v. LaSalle (Peter Boyle) –
Frankenstein’s Monster against some former CEO.
Please – Winner: LaSalle
LIU Brooklyn (Terry Semel) v. James Madison (LeRoi Moore) –
Moore was Dave Mathews’s saxophonist, when Semel ran Yahoo, the employees could still work from home – Winner: LIU
Let’s go to the regions.
Midwest
1.Louisville (Mitch McConnell) v.16. NC
A&T (Jesse Jackson)
I voted for President when I was 17; I fell
into a loophole in Ohio where because I would turn 18 by the time of the 1988
general election, that I could vote in the Democratic primary even though I was
17.
I cast that vote for Jesse Jackson. I don’t
know how many other white 17 year olds who ever voted for Jesse Jackson, but I’m
guessing we could fit in a really tiny car that would drive as fast as it could away from Mitch McConnell. Winner – A Shocker! – NC A&T
8. Colorado St (John Amos) v. 9. Missouri
(Sam Walton). Let’s see, the founder of a non-union shop or James Evans, Sr.,
who, in a different time or place, would have been rebounding from one of those
“temporary layoffs” with an overnight shift at WalMart. This is a blowout. Winner – Colorado St.
5. Oklahoma St. (Barry Sanders) v. 12. Oregon
(Ken Kesey). This is a war – how can the author of Cuckoo’s Nest go home in the
first round? By hitting maybe the greatest college football player I've ever seen. Winner – Oklahoma St.
4. St. Louis (August Busch IV) v. 13. NMex
St (Harold Reitsema) – One of these guys has an asteroid named after him. It ain’t the heir to a brewery. Winner-New Mexico St.
6. Memphis (Fred Thompson) v. 11. St. Marys
(Robert Hass) – Hass and his wife got beaten up by a cop at an Occupy
rally. Thompson probably wishes he were
swinging the club. Winner – St. Marys
3. Michigan St (Magic Johnson) v. 14. Valpo
(Not Magic Johnson) – Winner: Michigan St.
7. Creighton (Bob Gibson) v. 10. Cincinnati
(William Howard Taft) – I’m not an institutionalist,
but as great as Gibson was, he wasn’t both President and Chief Justice. Plus – fat guy solidarity. Winner – Cincinnati
2. Duke (Richard Nixon) v. 15. Albany
(Harvey Milk). There was a book a year ago alleging Nixon used to bang Bebe
Rebozo. Too little, too late. Winner – Albany
Round of 32:
8. Colorado St. (John Amos) v. 16. NC
A&T (Jesse Jackson) – a 16 seed in the Sweet Sixteen? Winner – NC A&T
5. OK St v. (Barry Sanders) 13. NMex St v.
(Harold Reitsema) – Ask Harlon Barnett who wins this game. Winner: OK St.
3. Michigan St. (Magic Johnson) v. 11. St
Marys (Not Magic Johnson) – Winner: Michigan St.
10. Cincinnati (William Howard Taft) v.15. Albany
(Harvey Milk) – If Taft doesn’t run for re-election and instead endorses Teddy,
who made a sharp left turn while on safari, that third Roosevelt term is
probably more progressive, certainly on race, than Wilson’s. Winner – Albany
Sweet 16:
5. OK St (Barry Sanders) v. 16. NC A&T
(Jesse Jackson) – Sanders averaged 5 yards a carry for his career, Jesse’s kid’s
going to jail for using campaign funds to buy one of Michael Jackson’s hats for
4 grand. Winner – OK St.
3. Michigan St. (Magic Johnson) v. 15.
Albany (Not Magic Johnson) – Winner: Michigan St.
Elite 8:
3. Michigan St. (Magic Johnson) v. 5. Oklahoma
St. (Barry Sanders) – Barry Sanders is one of the greatest backs in NFL
history. He’s Not Magic Johnson.
MIDWEST REGION WINNERS – MICHIGAN ST.
West:
1.
Gonzaga (Bing Crosby) v. 16. Southern (Randy
Jackson) – Bing Crosby’s been dead 35 years; he released a duet with Michael
Buble 3 months ago. That’s the
definition of survive and advance. Winner – Gonzaga
8. Pitt ( Gene Kelly) v. 9. Wichita St. (Bill Parcells) – there’s a
story, perhaps apocryphal, of Parcells
eating a Dove Bar while on a treadmill – that’s some pretty nifty footwork
needed to pull that off. Unfortunately,
on the other side of the court is Gene Kelly.
Winner – Pitt
5. Wisconsin (Errol Morris) v. 12. Mississippi (John Grisham) – Art battles
Commerce in the Round of 64. If there’s
one place where art should still win that game, it’s college. Winner: Wisconsin
4. Kansas St. (Erin Brockovich) v. 13. LaSalle(Bill Raftery) – Send it in
Jerome! Winner: LaSalle
6. Arizona (Garry Shandling) v. 11. Belmont (A couple of popular country
singers). You could put all the popular
country singers you can find in the same Intro to Sociology Course at Belmont
and they still don’t beat Larry Freaking Sanders. Winner: Arizona
3.NMexico (Brian Urlacher) v. 14. Harvard (the 44th President
of the United States). Harvard’s also
got Conan O’Brien. The Crimson are gonna
be a tough out. Winner: Harvard
7. Notre Dame (Regis Philbin) v. 10. Iowa St. (George Washington Carver). I’m allergic to peanuts. Winner: Notre Dame
2.
Ohio St. (Jesse Owens) v. Iona 15. (Richie
Guerin). Yeah, that seems like an
unlikely upset on anyone’s bracket.
Winner: Ohio St.
Round of 32:
1.
Gonzaga (Bing Crosby) v. 8. Pitt (Gene Kelly) –
without looking it up, I don’t think Kelly was ever accused of beating his
entire family. Winner: Pitt
5. Wisconsin (Errol Morris) v. 13. LaSalle
(Peter Boyle) – I enjoyed Everybody Loves Raymond as much as did anyone who only
watched two episodes, but it didn’t get anyone freed from a Texas
penitentiary. Winner: Wisconsin
6. Arizona (Garry Shandling/Geraldo Rivera)
v. 14. Harvard (Conan O’Brien/Barack Obama). Here’s where depth comes into
play; Conan/Shandling is a lean to the Wildcats – but then not only does
Harvard come at you with Obama, they do it against Geraldo. Geraldo!
Even the most hardcore where’s the birth certificate/terrorist fist
jab/get your government out of my Medicare wacko couldn’t give it to
Geraldo. Winner: Harvard
2.
Ohio St. (Jesse Owens) v. 7. Notre Dame (Regis
Philbin) – I’ve met two of the alums in this tournament; about five feet from
where I’m currently sitting is the pen I may have taken from one of them. No, I do not have Jesse Owens’s pen. Winner-Notre Dame
Sweet Sixteen
5. Wisconsin (Errol Morris/Joan Cusack) v. 8. Pitt (Gene
Kelly) – It’s a good battle between Thin Blue Line and Singin’ in the Rain –
but Joan Cusack hits you with Say Anything and Broadcast News and In and Out and School of Rock and Perks of
Being a Wallflower and it’s the Badgers who advance. Winner-Wisconsin
7. Notre Dame (Joe Montana) v. 14. Harvard (Conan/Obama) – I
buried the lede. The Irish have a second
listed alum. Conan’s good times, but he
ain’t Letterman and while the Obama legacy isn’t written yet FDR seems pretty
far away. It’s that second group that Montana’s
in. Winner: Notre Dame
Elite 8
5.
Wisconsin (Morris/Cusack) v. 7. Notre
Dame (Joe Montana) – It’s the same game as the previous round, you can find
better documentarians than Morris and better Cusacks than Joan. But you don’t get better than 13 TD (rushing and passing combined) and
0 picks in 4 Super Bowls. Winner: Notre
Dame
WEST REGIONAL WINNERS – NOTRE DAME
SOUTH
1.
Kansas (Wilt Chamberlain) v. 16. Western
Kentucky (Kenny Perry). It could be that
I went through a multi-month interview process with one of these schools to
just come up short at the very, very end.
It could be. Winner-Kansas.
8. UNC (James K Polk/Mia Hamm) v. Villanova (Don McLean/Maria Bello). I
mean, have you seen The Cooler? Have you
seen the Cooler? One side invaded Mexico
and the other side is The Cooler? Winner: Nova
5. VCU (Stephen Furst) v. 12. Akron (the drummer for the Black Keys)
-Much like Howard Stern, I think the Black Keys are good, but Flounder is
closer to my milieu. Winner: VCU
4.Michigan (Arthur Miller) v. 13. S.Dakota
St. (Adam Vinatieri)
-Shockingly, it wasn’t a South Dakota St.
grad who wrote Death of a Salesman. Winner:
Michigan
6. UCLA (Jim Morrison) v. 11. Minnesota (Thomas
Friedman)
-Friedman is almost always wrong about
almost always everything. Morrison was
the Lizard King. Winner: UCLA
3.Florida (Erin Andrews) v. 14.
Northwestern St. (Bobby Hebert)
-My boy Maury is a Gator grad.
What up Maury! And that’s how I
avoid any reference to illegally obtained
videos which blew up the internet.
Winner: Florida
7. San Diego St. (Joe Gibbs) v. 10. Oklahoma (James Garner)
-I’m not generally swayed by iconic maleness – you give me John Wayne,
and I’ll talk about a cartoon tough guy who liked to rhetorically punch hippies
after avoiding military service himself.
But James Garner? The Rock? That’s my dude. Winner: Oklahoma
2.
Georgetown (the 42nd President of the
United States v. 15. Fla Gulf Coast (I’ve
been teaching in higher ed in Florida for a decade – there’s a school called
Florida Gulf Coast?) Winner: Georgetown
Round of 32
1.
Kansas (Wilt) v. 9. Nova (Maria Bello) – Wilt averaged
30 points and 20 boards for his career.
He’s Babe Ruth. Winner: Kansas
4.Michigan
(James Earl Jones) v. 5. VCU (Stephen Furst) – Michigan can leave the
playwright on the bench for this one.
Winner: Michigan
3.Florida (Erin Andrews) v. 6. UCLA (Jim Morrison/Rob Reiner)- The Lizard
King and Meathead? That’s a gritty,
veteran backcourt. That’s Mike
Warren/Lucius Allen right there. Winner: UCLA.
2.
Georgetown (Bill Clinton/Bradley Cooper/Allen
Iverson) v. 10. Oklahoma (James Garner) – That’s a bad locker room for the
Hoyas, a lot of guys needing the ball and time at the mirror. Winner: Oklahoma
Sweet 16:
1.
Kansas (Wilt) v. 4. Michigan (Arthur Miller) – Wilt
slept with 20,000 women. Miller married
Marilyn Monroe. Winner: Michigan
6. UCLA (Morrison/Reiner/Jackie Joyner Kersee) v. 10.
Oklahoma (Garner) – Have I mentioned I’m a big Garner fan? Winner: The Rock!
Elite 8:
4.Michigan (Miller) v. 10. Oklahoma (Garner) – Miller wrote Act I of the
greatest American play in less than a day.
With malice toward none and charity to all, we say goodbye to the
Sooners. Winner: Michigan
SOUTH REGION WINNERS: MICHIGAN
1.
Indiana (Will Shortz) v. 16. LIU (Terry Semel) –
who doesn’t enjoy a good crossword every now and again in 1998? Winner: Indiana
8. NC St (John Edwards) v. 9. Temple (Bill Cosby) – Did you
know from the ages of 7 to 15, that Cosby thought his name was Jesus Christ and
his brother Russell thought his name was Dammit? Really tragic stuff. I mean, not as bad as Edwards, but
still. Winner: Temple
5. UNLV (Kenny Mayne) v. 12. Cal (Gregory Peck)
-Remember when I told you I’ve met two of the listed alumni? Did you notice the first one is in the Final
Four? Winner: UNLV
4. Syracuse (Jim Brown) 13. Montana (Carroll O’Connor)
-Holy cats, can you imagine such a round one game? Now peep this. I’m taking Archie Bunker. Winner: Montana
6. Butler (Thad Motta) v. 11. Bucknell (Les Moonves)
-Moonves is married to Julie Chen and that keeps my favorite
American reality competition show, Big Brother, in business. Winner: Bucknell.
3. Marquette (Chris Farley) v. 14. Davidson (Steph Curry)
Among the more overrated comedians of my lifetime – Farley. Among the more underrated players in the NBA –
Curry. Winner: Davidson
7. Illinois (Roger Ebert) v. 10. Colorado (Rick Reilly)
-One of these guys is a terrific, important writer and
cultural commentator. And the other is
Rick Reilly. Winner: Illinois
2. Miami (Dwayne Johnson) v. 15. Pacific (Pete Carroll)
-Much like in the upcoming Wrestlemania, The Rock ends the
evening on his back, looking at the lights.
Winner: Pacific.
Round of 32:
1.
Indiana (Will Shortz) v. 9. Temple (Bill Cosby): Seriously, I almost voted for John Edwards –
that would be a tough one to walk back.
All that filth and foul, filth. Temple
gets an extra round just for having to go through it. Winner: Temple
5. UNLV (Kenny Mayne) v. 13. Montana (Carroll O’Connor): If
I had finished 1st instead of 3rd, maybe this result
would be different, Kenny. Winner:
Montana
11. Bucknell (Les Moonves) v. 14. Davidson (Steph Curry) –
you know the metrics say Curry is one of the great outside shooters of all
time? He’s buried out there with my
Warriors….oops. I mean, I’m completely
objective, I don’t at all root for the Warriors (Go Warriors!). Winner:
Davidson
7. Illinois (Ebert) v. 15. Pacific (Carroll) – If this were
a half dozen years ago, when Pete was leading the resurgence of my Trojans,
instead of today when he’s my chief enemy in Seattle, this game has a different
result. But unless there’s been an email
chain on which I’m not CC’d, it is not, in fact six years ago. Winner: Illinois
Sweet 16:
9. Temple (Cosby) v. 13. Montana (O’Connor) – Archie knocked
off Jim Brown, but gets his comeuppance in the Sweet 16. He should have listened to Edith all
along. Winner: Temple
7. Illinois (Roger Ebert/Nick Offerman) v. 14. Davidson
(Steph Curry) – My affection for Ebert is virtually boundless, but when he
meets the GSW (Go Warriors! We Believe!)
point guard he looks to be outmatched….until he’s joined by Ron Swanson, who
builds a pyramid of greatness right into the Elite 8. Winner: Illinois
Elite 8:
7. Illinois (Ebert/Offerman) v. 9. Temple (Cosby) Shorts over 6 inches are capri pants. Shorts under 6 inches are European. Winner: Illinois
EAST REGION WINNER: ILLINOIS
So, your final 4, three Big 10 Teams and the Irish
Michigan St. v. Notre Dame
Michigan v. Illinois
-Michigan St’s got Magic Johnson; they also have creepy Dateline
host Chris Hansen. Notre Dame has the
greatest quarterback who ever lived and a guy whose pen I now have placed next to
my brackets. Pen! Pen!
Pen! Winner: Notre Dame
-Michigan’s got the genius playwright and Darth Vader’s
voice. Illinois has a venerable movie
critic and Ron By God Swanson. Even
Ebert, I’m guessing, would not suggest he should go over Arthur Miller, and
even Swanson would bow before Lord Vader.
Winner: Michigan
In the real world, I’m taking Florida to beat Louisville in
the finals.
But here – in the USA Today Notable Alumni Bracket we have:
Notre Dame v. Michigan
You guys know I’m from San Francisco, right? I mean, if it's Montana vs. My Last Breath I'm taking Joe. I didn't hit Dwight in the back of the end zone. It's only right.
National Champions: Notre Dame Fighting Irish.
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